How to Spot Liberals and Conservatives: Let’s Take a Look Inside ‘Red Tie, Blue Tie’
Our latest title is as prescient and vital as a book is ever going to be. You’re probably aware that it’s an election year, and that makes the political climate even more contentious and volatile than it usually is. Let’s deflate some of the hot air from that cultural balloon and kill some sacred cows and make fun of it all. That’s what writers (and best friends) Gary M. Almeter and Reese Cassard aimed to do with Red Tie, Blue Tie: How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Any Possible Scenario. And it’s exactly what the title promises: list after list, guide after guide, on how to comically and accurately identify strangers’ political leanings by their choices, behaviors, and overall vibes.
Here are some excerpts to explain it further. And if you want more, well, whether your tie is red or blue, the color we all like best is green — go buy the book and help support a couple of the most crackling comedy writers out there.
***
How to tell if Someone is Liberal or Conservative at the Grocery Store
If someone refuses to use the self-checkout machine, that person is a conservative.
If a person quietly sings along when the grocery store PA system plays “Iris,” the Goo Goo Dolls’ 1998 hit from the City of Angels soundtrack while the person compares pasta shapes to identify the best substitute for ziti, that person is a liberal.
However, if that person loses their composure and loudly sings the “And I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cuz I don’t think that they’d understand” part, that person is an anarcho-communist.
If a person quietly sings along when the grocery store PA system plays “Can’t Hardly Wait,” from the Replacements’ 1987 album Pleased to Meet Me while the person stands over the deli counter contemplating the difference between lacy Swiss cheese and regular Swiss cheese, that person is a conservative.
If a person is stocking up on Lunchables, Cool Ranch Doritos, Funyuns, two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, and Bagel Bites, that person is either a parent of several children they may or may not love or extremely high or both.
If a person tries to steal cabbage by stuffing it into their jacket, that person is a liberal.
If a person tries to steal cabbage by stuffing it into their purse, that person is a conservative.
If a person buys something obscure (like coconut flour, gin and tonic salmon, pumpkin spice gouda) and it doesn’t scan at the checkout register and the person says, “well, looks like that item is free today!” then that person is a conservative.
If a person says, “It’s real, I just made it this morning” when the cashier checks to see if their $20 bill is counterfeit, that person is a liberal.
***
How to Tell If Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Pickup Basketball
If anyone is playing in a Punisher tee, they’re conservative.
If anyone is playing in a Phish tee, they’re liberal.
If a man is playing with a bandana as a headband, he’s liberal.
If a woman is playing with a bandana as a headband, she’s conservative.
If a man is playing in Jordan 11s, he’s rich and liberal.
If a man is playing in Jordan 9s, he’s rich and conservative.
If a man is playing in running shoes, he is liberal. Unless the shoes are grass-stained New Balances. Then he’s conservative.
If a man is playing in Jordan 3s, baggy mesh shorts, and an even baggier pink polo, he’s Adam Sandler.
If a man over 50 is playing in Chuck Taylors, he’s probably conservative and probably the best player on the court.
If a man under 50 is playing in Chuck Taylors, he’s definitely liberal and definitely the worst player on the court.
If a woman is playing in UGG boots, she’s conservative. And a great three-point shooter. Draft her early.
If a man goes the whole game setting screens instead of shooting, he’s liberal and fun to play with, but there’s no need to use an early pick on him.
If anyone goes the whole game without passing, they are the worst. Avoid drafting them at all costs.
If a man is playing in rec specs, he’s conservative. Unless that man is Naismith Hall of Fame center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Then he’s very liberal.
If someone calls a foul because you had your hand on his hip when he went up to shoot even though he’s been pulling your shirt all game, they’re just an opportunist who pretends to be liberal around other liberals and then flips when the crowd changes. Give them the call either way. They’ll probably miss anyways.
***
How to Tell If Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Boston
If a person’s favorite Aerosmith song is “Dream On,” that person is a liberal.
If a person’s favorite Aerosmith song is “Janie’s Got a Gun,” that person is a conservative.
If a person’s favorite Aerosmith song is “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” get that person’s contact information. The next time an asteroid is heading towards Earth and you need someone to fly to space, drill a hole in the asteroid, and plant a thermonuclear device, this person could come in handy.
If a person has ever smoked a pipe with Henry Cabot Lodge or his progeny in a Ropes & Gray conference room, that person is a conservative.
If a person has ever smoked anything with Evan Dando in Harvard Square, that person is a liberal.
If a blue-collar-looking man is outside of a Dunkin Donuts in Harvard Square asking a well-dressed man inside the Dunkin Donuts if he likes apples, that blue-collar man is Will Hunting, he just got Skylar’s number, and you wouldn’t know it by looking at him, but that man is a genius. All Over the U.S.A.
If you are in the Massachusetts State House and see a person with the best hair you have ever seen eating a hot dog and it’s sometime between 2003 and 2007, that person is Mitt Romney.
If a person stops at Dunkin on their way to a Bruins game and you are in the Dunkin too and you look at that person wrong, you are about to get the shit kicked out of you.
Red Tie, Blue Tie: How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Any Possible Scenario by Gary M. Almeter and Reese Cassard is now available wherever you get your books (no matter your affiliation).
