From Sleep, Little One: Bedtime Tales for Tiny Troublemakers by Brian Dunn, with illustrations by Lucy Mara Budd, here’s a story that won’t relieve little ones’ rightful and righteous anxiety whatsoever: “Thwart the Greedy Gut She-Devil.”

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Bet you like candy. Most kids do. It’s fun to eat sweet things once in a while, like when you go out for ice cream after a Little League baseball game or a mediocre choir performance. Or maybe your mom doesn’t want you asking a lot of questions, like why she and her new boyfriend nap so long on the weekends with the door locked, so she bakes you your very own red velvet cake with cream cheese icing.

But one thing you can’t do is shove ice cream and cookies and candy down your gullet—that’s a fancy word for throat—until your stomach almost bursts. (You’re not a goose in a foie gras factory, after all.) If you can’t control how many sweets you eat, you have what we call a greedy gut. And if you have a greedy gut, you’ll soon meet the sworn enemy of greedy-gutted children everywhere: the Greedy Gut She-Devil.

  The Greedy Gut She-Devil does her work in the deepest depths of your bowels. If you eat too much candy, she’ll poke you in your belly—hard! Then your tummy will emit a low, long rumble. You’ll suddenly feel like you’ve ridden a roller coaster four trillion times. But this ride wasn’t built for fun.

As the sounds coming from your belly grow louder, anyone near you will think there’s an angry elephant rampaging through your stomach. Then the cramps will start. Oh, you’ve never felt such pain. It’s like your insides are twisting themselves into an origami crane. You might actually poop your pants, and everyone forever call you “Señor Poopy Pants” or “Squishy McBritches” or “Skidmarks McGee.”

Luckily, the Greedy Gut She-Devil goes away after only 24 to 48 hours. The Greedy Gut She-Devil is awful, but she serves a noble purpose: to prevent candy-loving kids from contracting type 2 diabetes so they have to inject their enormous bellies with fresh, sweet insulin. Know when to stop eating sweets and the Greedy Gut She-Devil will never have to twist your innards.

 

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Sleep, Little One: Bedtime Tales for Tiny Troublemakers is available now from Humorist Books.