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6 Important Writerly Questions with Gary M. Almeter

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Meet Gary M. Almeter. He’s an attorney, an author of multiple novels (including the exquisite The Emperor of Ice-Cream), and a co-host of the Humorist-aligned podcast The Official Dream Dinner Party Podcast, an extension of his book The Official Dream Dinner Party Handbook. And with his best friend Reese Cassard, he’s the author of the wickedly funny and shockingly accurate new comedy title Red Tie, Blue Tie: How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Any Possible Scenario.

1. Who are you? What are you doing here?

You know how sometimes writers exert themselves whilst crafting their prose, to wit, like how John Steinbeck traveled extensively, living and working alongside migrant workers during the Great Depression to capture their plight while writing The Grapes of Wrath, and how Emily Dickinson’s reclusive lifestyle and intense focus on her inner life and literary craft was both a result of and a catalyst for her prolific writing and a life marked by solitude and introspection, and how Leo Tolstoy spent six years writing War and Peace by immersing himself in the history and culture of early 19th-century Russia?  Like that but just less so. I’m an attorney and humor writer who loves to write, loves to make people laugh, and loves to see his name in print.

2. Since “Where do you get your ideas?” is a terrible question, what made you want to write this book?

Reese had the original idea and we collaborated on a list published in or on McSweeney’s in December 2022.  People liked it so we decided to collaborate on a book. Identity politics is such a funny thing — not funny ha ha but funny like interesting and newish and amorphous and unnavigable — so the idea of taking our collective thumbnail and collectively scratching beneath the collective surface to collectively ask, “who are we?” and generating more nuanced responses, to wit, “I am a Baltimorean,” “I am an attorney,” “I drive a Ford Explorer,” “I am a pickleball player,” “I eat Chipotle,” “I wear Nike Air Monarchs when I barbecue,” “When I steal cabbage from the grocery store, I hide it in my jacket,” etc.

3. How did you keep writing this book?

In the Introduction, Reese calls the book “one joke told thousands of different ways,” which is apt.  While there are endless ways to tell the joke (is this your way of asking us to do a Volume 2?), Reese started toying with the format, to wit, adding some asides and some meta commentary.  That made it very fun. There were tasks we had to complete but there was also the possibility that when genius struck, to wit, identifying if the Jolene of whom Dolly Parton sang was liberal or conservative.

4. Who is this book for, anyway?

This book is for anyone who yearns to recognize the import of intersectionality by expanding our concepts of identity in identity politics by recognizing the multifaceted nature of individual identities, to wit, beyond race, beyond gender, and beyond sexuality, to include ersatz intersections of socioeconomic status, shopping habits, music preferences, and more in the hopes that a broader approach will foster inclusivity, understanding, and solidarity across diverse experiences and challenging simplistic categorizations and promoting nuanced, empathetic dialogue and policy. All of those people this book is for.

5. Any darlings you had to kill?

Yes, we had a darling puppy named Cricket. But we had to kill it because it was guilty of canine insubordination.

6. What are you working on now?

I have a Google doc filled with things that I’m working on, to wit, things I’ve overheard that resonate, random ideas, some concepts that won’t go away and I just don’t know what to do with yet. I also grew up near Niagara Falls and am working on a book about it.

Red Tie, Blue Tie: How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Any Possible Scenario is available now.

6 Important Writerly Questions with Reese Cassard

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Reese Cassard co-wrote Humorist Books latest release and out-of-the-gate hit on the political humor charts, Red Tie, Blue Tie: How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Any Possible Scenario. We bombarded him with our standard author questionnaire. Here’s what he said!

  1. 1. Who are you? What are you doing here?

I ask myself the same questions every morning. Right now, I am a copywriter by day and a comedy writer by night. I currently live in Denver, and I’m here to promote Red Tie, Blue Tie: How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Any Possible Scenario, the new book I wrote with my best friend, Gary Almeter.

2. Since “Where do you get your ideas?” is a terrible question, what made you want to write this book?

Besides the selfish desire to see my name in print? Probably the power of friendship. Gary and I have enjoyed collaborating on short pieces for years—including the original “How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative” that ran in McSweeney’s—and we’d been kicking around the idea of writing a book together for a while. I can’t remember who thought of it first, but one of us realized our liberal vs. conservative premise had enough legs to become a full book. Once we paired that with the fact that an election year was right around the corner, it became a no brainer for both of us.

3.How did you keep writing this book?

The bulk of the work took place over the winter, which is a wonderful time to write. After a weekday of copywriting (shoutout to MGH, Inc.) or a weekend of skiing (shoutout to the Rocky Mountains) I would cook dinner, throw on some music, and drive myself insane in front of my laptop. Thankfully I had Gary. Whenever I felt like I simply couldn’t come up with another silly way liberals and conservatives are different, I would think about how he was in Baltimore struggling with the same problem. I knew he’d deliver on his end, so that motivated me to deliver on mine. Next thing I knew we had a book.

4. Who is this book for, anyway?

Anyone who spends their hard-earned money on this thing has every right to love or hate it as loud as they please, but I’d like to think our ideal reader is any man, woman, or nonbinary human that is both aware of and at peace with where they fit in the ever-changing spectrum of political identity. If you only enjoy the jokes that pick on one side of the aisle, that’s fine with us, but you may be disappointed because Gary and I did put a lot of thought into picking on liberals and conservatives equally. Now, if you can go into it open to laughing at everyone, including yourself, we think you might really have some fun.

5. Any darlings you had to kill?

Yes, which is wild in hindsight because I still remember thinking there was no way we could deliver on the 200-page target the good folks at Humorist Books set for us. Sure enough though, our manuscript ended up being too long. Gary and I trimmed some fat, but our editor Brian Boone really helped us identify full sections that could go, and the book is much funnier as a result.

6. What are you working on now?

On the professional front, I’m working a fun mix of advertising projects with my awesome team at MGH. On the comedy front my current goal is to continue promoting Red Tie, Blue Tie until we dethrone Bill Maher for the best-seller in political humor. Once victorious, I’d like to give the 10,000 words of a novel currently collecting dust in my hard drive an earnest effort.

How to Spot Liberals and Conservatives: Let’s Take a Look Inside ‘Red Tie, Blue Tie’

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Our latest title is as prescient and vital as a book is ever going to be. You’re probably aware that it’s an election year, and that makes the political climate even more contentious and volatile than it usually is. Let’s deflate some of the hot air from that cultural balloon and kill some sacred cows and make fun of it all. That’s what writers (and best friends) Gary M. Almeter and Reese Cassard aimed to do with Red Tie, Blue Tie: How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Any Possible Scenario. And it’s exactly what the title promises: list after list, guide after guide, on how to comically and accurately identify strangers’ political leanings by their choices, behaviors, and overall vibes.

Here are some excerpts to explain it further. And if you want more, well, whether your tie is red or blue, the color we all like best is green — go buy the book and help support a couple of the most crackling comedy writers out there.

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How to tell if Someone is Liberal or Conservative at the Grocery Store 

If someone refuses to use the self-checkout machine, that person is a conservative. 

If a person quietly sings along when the grocery store PA system plays “Iris,” the Goo Goo Dolls’ 1998 hit from the City of Angels soundtrack while the person compares pasta shapes to identify the best substitute for ziti, that person is a liberal. 

However, if that person loses their composure and loudly sings the “And I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cuz I don’t think that they’d understand” part, that person is an anarcho-communist. 

If a person quietly sings along when the grocery store PA system plays “Can’t Hardly Wait,” from the Replacements’ 1987 album Pleased to Meet Me while the person stands over the deli counter contemplating the difference between lacy Swiss cheese and regular Swiss cheese, that person is a conservative. 

If a person is stocking up on Lunchables, Cool Ranch Doritos, Funyuns, two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, and Bagel Bites, that person is either a parent of several children they may or may not love or extremely high or both. 

If a person tries to steal cabbage by stuffing it into their jacket, that person is a liberal. 

If a person tries to steal cabbage by stuffing it into their purse, that person is a conservative. 

If a person buys something obscure (like coconut flour, gin and tonic salmon, pumpkin spice gouda) and it doesn’t scan at the checkout register and the person says, “well, looks like that item is free today!” then that person is a conservative. 

If a person says, “It’s real, I just made it this morning” when the cashier checks to see if their $20 bill is counterfeit, that person is a liberal. 

 

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How to Tell If Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Pickup Basketball 

If anyone is playing in a Punisher tee, they’re conservative. 

If anyone is playing in a Phish tee, they’re liberal. 

If a man is playing with a bandana as a headband, he’s liberal. 

If a woman is playing with a bandana as a headband, she’s conservative. 

If a man is playing in Jordan 11s, he’s rich and liberal. 

If a man is playing in Jordan 9s, he’s rich and conservative.

If a man is playing in running shoes, he is liberal. Unless the shoes are grass-stained New Balances. Then he’s conservative. 

If a man is playing in Jordan 3s, baggy mesh shorts, and an even baggier pink polo, he’s Adam Sandler. 

If a man over 50 is playing in Chuck Taylors, he’s probably conservative and probably the best player on the court. 

If a man under 50 is playing in Chuck Taylors, he’s definitely liberal and definitely the worst player on the court. 

If a woman is playing in UGG boots, she’s conservative. And a great three-point shooter. Draft her early. 

If a man goes the whole game setting screens instead of shooting, he’s liberal and fun to play with, but there’s no need to use an early pick on him. 

If anyone goes the whole game without passing, they are the worst. Avoid drafting them at all costs. 

If a man is playing in rec specs, he’s conservative. Unless that man is Naismith Hall of Fame center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Then he’s very liberal. 

If someone calls a foul because you had your hand on his hip when he went up to shoot even though he’s been pulling your shirt all game, they’re just an opportunist who pretends to be liberal around other liberals and then flips when the crowd changes. Give them the call either way. They’ll probably miss anyways. 

 

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How to Tell If Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Boston

If a person’s favorite Aerosmith song is “Dream On,” that person is a liberal. 

If a person’s favorite Aerosmith song is “Janie’s Got a Gun,” that person is a conservative. 

If a person’s favorite Aerosmith song is “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” get that person’s contact information. The next time an asteroid is heading towards Earth and you need someone to fly to space, drill a hole in the asteroid, and plant a thermonuclear device, this person could come in handy. 

If a person has ever smoked a pipe with Henry Cabot Lodge or his progeny in a Ropes & Gray conference room, that person is a conservative. 

If a person has ever smoked anything with Evan Dando in Harvard Square, that person is a liberal.

If a blue-collar-looking man is outside of a Dunkin Donuts in Harvard Square asking a well-dressed man inside the Dunkin Donuts if he likes apples, that blue-collar man is Will Hunting, he just got Skylar’s number, and you wouldn’t know it by looking at him, but that man is a genius. All Over the U.S.A.

If you are in the Massachusetts State House and see a person with the best hair you have ever seen eating a hot dog and it’s sometime between 2003 and 2007, that person is Mitt Romney. 

If a person stops at Dunkin on their way to a Bruins game and you are in the Dunkin too and you look at that person wrong, you are about to get the shit kicked out of you. 

Red Tie, Blue Tie: How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Any Possible Scenario by Gary M. Almeter and Reese Cassard is now available wherever you get your books (no matter your affiliation).